This time last year my wife and I found out that we were expecting our first child. From that day on we knew our lives would never be the same again, but we never expected our lives to change so drastically.
Once you get a positive pregnancy test you can help but start planning things in your head and think about your future as a family and not just the two of us anymore. But you don’t get too carried away because you read that miscarriage is likely to happen in the 1st 12 weeks. So you decide to keep a secret until after the 1st scan.
I remember going into the ultra-sound room feeling nervous, hoping that our baby was there and everyone was ok. As soon as we saw the image of our baby, watching it’s tiny heart beating away, gave me a sense of relief and everything seemed more real.
We decided to wait a few more weeks to announce our pregnancy to our family and surprise them all on Christmas Day. Both of our families were so excited and were delighted with their extra Christmas present.
Us two so happy, celebrating New Year together.
In the New Year we then broke our news to work, friends and other extended family. We were so happy and couldn’t wait for our bundle of joy to arrive. In the January sales we bought a few items for the baby and the nursery, but didn’t want to get too much before our 20 week scan.
We had our 2nd scan and everything was fine. We had decided to not find out the sex of our baby and wanted to keep it a surprise. After having the scan and everything being ok, it was our license to carry on with the rest of the planning and preparations.
Baby Sowden’s 21 week Scan.
Normally, we are not very organised people but wanted to do everything we could to give our child the best start in life. We started to de-clutter our apartment and re-decorated our bedroom as we thought that our baby would be in our room in their moses basket.
Then we cleared out the spare room and turned it into a nursery. We both worked very hard on it making it perfect and ready for son or daughter. The purchases continued and we even changed one of our cars for a more suitable family car, which I nicknamed the ‘Dad Mobile’,
In the meantime my wife has been to different routine hospital and midwife appointments, which I accompanied her on many occasions, and were told that everything was perfect. The thought of losing our unborn child never entered into our thoughts. You can’t help planning your future as a family. My wife used to joke about how our little one and mummy would wave me off to work in the mornings. We was even thinking about where we could go for short break away later on in the year.
As each week passed we were getting excited reading about how big our little poppet was getting. We used to talk and play music to the bump and when we could feel our baby move and kick it was so magical.
We wanted the best parents we could be and together went to different classes at the hospital, learning about labour management and how to care for a young baby. This gave us a bit more confidence about the birth, as my wife was completely dreading it.
I don’t know how my wife managed to deliver our baby, knowing that they was not alive, with little pain relief. She was incredible and I’ve never been so proud of her. At the birth we found out that we had lost a Son and decided to call him Rory Teddy Sowden.
It’s been over 5 months now since we have lost Rory and our lives has been turned upside down since that day. We are both heartbroken and trying to do normal everyday thing is now a huge task. I really find it difficult getting ready for work in the mornings, especially as our Son is not here to wave us off.
Now 5 months on, things doesn’t seem to get any easier, it seems like everyone is carrying on as normal, like nothing ever happened. It feels like that other people think that because it is over 5 months that we should be ‘over it’. I don’t think you could ever ‘get over’ losing your child that you had so many hopes and dreams for.
We are both really dreading christmas, as it would have been Rory’s first christmas and our first christmas as a family together. We don’t really want to celebrate christmas in a traditional way this year and find myself getting angry or frustrated with anyone mentioning the ‘C’ word, especially when you hear it mentioned in October.
A year ago we were getting our heads round the fact that it was no longer going to be the two of us and was going to be our last christmas alone together. Today we are trying to come to terms that Rory has gone and it’s no longer going to be the three of us together. It’s back to being us two here together, but with broken hearts and empty arms.
We are still a Mummy and Daddy and we are still a family. Our son did exist and he did have a life, his womb life, the 8 months he spent growing and being nurtured inside Mummy. Rory may not be in our home or in our arms, but he is always in our thoughts and in our hearts!!!
Gone, but never forgotten xxx