Monthly Archives: November 2015

6 Months Angelversary

No one ever forgets the birth of their child as it a momentous occasion. However, will we never forget for the wrong reasons.

6 Months ago today our Son, Rory, arrived into this World at 23.34 on 30/05/2015. He was a healthy weight of 6lb 3oz, he had 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes.  In fact he was perfect in every way apart from that he never took a breath.

My wife, Jo, gave birth naturally to Rory and the only pain relief she had was gas and air.  I was by her side through the labour, I timed the contractions and when Rory arrived I got to cut the cord.  This all sounds like a normal delivery, however the difference was that we already knew two days before that our unborn baby had died.

We didn’t know what to expect and was scared what we would see, but there was nothing scary at all.  Rory was a beautiful little baby boy, with long legs like Daddy and a cute button nose like Mummy.  He looked so peaceful and just looked like he was asleep.

The only image that haunts me from that day was seeing the Knot in his cord, that had tightened, which caused our Son to pass away at 36 weeks & 2 days.

We got to spend a short time with him and held him a few  times, but couldn’t pick him up too many times as he was so delicate. Rory stayed in the room with all us all night in a cold cot. Jo couldn’t stop looking over him and holding his tiny hands and fingers. All the time we were together I didn’t feel sad, we were a family all together, with our baby who was sleeping.

The next day some of our family came to visit to meet Rory but eventually the time came when we had to say goodbye to him and leave hìm behind. We were saying goodbye to our Son before we even got a chance to say hello.

Leaving Rory at the hospital was the most hardest, painful and heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to do. Instead of leaving holding our bundle of joy, we left with broken hearts holding a memorial box.

Life is like riding a bicycle

Whilst out shopping with my wife, Jo, I came across this sign in one of the shops.

‘Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving forward’

At the time I thought it was very motivational quote and thought it was very poignant for us, as my wife and I are grieving the loss of our Son, Rory, who was born asleep at 36 weeks.

It wasn’t until I got home, looked on the internet and found that the quote was made by Albert Einstein. I then started to think about the quote even more.

When we were young, we would have stabilizers on our bikes to help keep our balance until we were able to keep our balance unaided.

So when you are grieving a loss, there is nothing wrong with taking support from friends, family and support groups to help keep your balance.

Also if you are having a bad day, it’s only a wobble, just be gentle on yourself. Write it off and think tomorrow is a new day.

Hopefully, slowly but surely we will be able keep the pedals turning and one day reach a happy place.

 

What a difference a year makes

This time last year my wife and I found out that we were expecting our first child.  From that day on we knew our lives would never be the same again, but we never expected our lives to change so drastically.

Once you get a positive pregnancy test you can help but start planning things in your head and think about your future as a family and not just the two of us anymore. But you don’t get too carried away because you read that miscarriage is likely to happen in the 1st 12 weeks. So you decide to keep a secret until after the 1st scan.

I remember going into the ultra-sound room feeling nervous, hoping that our baby was there and everyone was ok. As soon as we saw the image of our baby, watching it’s tiny heart beating away, gave me a sense of relief and everything seemed more real.

We decided to wait a few more weeks to announce our pregnancy to our family and surprise them all on Christmas Day. Both of our families were so excited and were delighted with their extra Christmas present.

Us two celebrating New Year together.

Us two so happy, celebrating New Year together.

In the New Year we then broke our news to work, friends and other extended family.  We were so happy and couldn’t wait for our bundle of joy to arrive.  In the January sales we bought a few items for the baby and the nursery, but didn’t want to get too much before our 20 week scan.

We had our 2nd scan and everything was fine. We had decided to not find out the sex of our baby and wanted to keep it a surprise.  After having the scan and everything being ok, it was our license to carry on with the rest of the planning and preparations.

Baby Sowden's 21 week Scan.

Baby Sowden’s 21 week Scan.

Normally, we are not very organised people but wanted to do everything we could to give our child the best start in life.  We started to de-clutter our apartment and re-decorated our bedroom as we thought that our baby would be in our room in their moses basket.

Then we cleared out the spare room and turned it into a nursery.  We both worked very hard on it making it perfect and ready for son or daughter. The purchases continued and we even changed one of our cars for a more suitable family car, which I nicknamed the ‘Dad Mobile’,

In the meantime my wife has been to different routine hospital and midwife appointments, which I accompanied her on many occasions, and were told that everything was perfect.  The thought of losing our unborn child never entered into our thoughts.  You can’t help planning your future as a family.  My wife used to joke about how our little one and mummy would wave me off to work in the mornings. We was even thinking about where we could go for short break away later on in the year.

As each week passed we were getting excited reading about how big our little poppet was getting.  We used to talk and play music to the bump and when we could feel our baby move and kick it was so magical.

We wanted the best parents we could be and together went to different classes at the hospital, learning about labour management and how to care for a young baby.  This gave us a bit more confidence about the birth, as my wife was completely dreading it.

I don’t know how my wife managed to deliver our baby, knowing that they was not alive, with little pain relief.  She was incredible and I’ve never been so proud of her.  At the birth we found out that we had lost a Son and decided to call him Rory Teddy Sowden.

It’s been over 5 months now since we have lost Rory and our lives has been turned upside down since that day.  We are both heartbroken and trying to do normal everyday thing is now a huge task.  I really find it difficult getting ready for work in the mornings, especially as our Son is not here to wave us off.

Now 5 months on, things doesn’t seem to get any easier, it seems like everyone is carrying on as normal, like nothing ever happened.  It feels like that other people think that because it is over 5 months that we should be ‘over it’.  I don’t think you could ever ‘get over’ losing your child that you had so many hopes and dreams for.

We are both really dreading christmas, as it would have been Rory’s first christmas and our first christmas as a family together.  We don’t really want to celebrate christmas in a traditional way this year and find myself getting angry or frustrated with anyone mentioning the ‘C’ word, especially when you hear it mentioned in October.

A year ago we were getting our heads round the fact that it was no longer going to be the two of us and was going to be our last christmas alone together.  Today we are trying to come to terms that Rory has gone and it’s no longer going to be the three of us together.  It’s back to being us two here together, but with broken hearts and empty arms.

We are still a Mummy and Daddy and we are still a family. Our son did exist and he did have a life, his womb life, the 8 months he spent growing and being nurtured inside Mummy.  Rory may not be in our home or in our arms, but he is always in our thoughts and in our hearts!!!

Gone, but never forgotten.

Gone, but never forgotten xxx