We are now into May, the Month we lost Rory last year and his angelversary is fast approaching. When we lost Rory, time seen to stand still and the days and weeks seemed so long. Now this year seem to have flown by in a blur and caught us in a bit unawares.
It was so strange at the turn of the year saying to people that we lost our son last year, soon we will be saying we lost him over a year ago. I think because at the moment I still think back to this time last year, we had Rory with us and we were decorating the nursery and we was so happy.
I think his anniversary makes it seem so final, that he’s gone forever and we won’t be able to think ‘this time last year’ anymore.
Before his anniversary I have one more hurdle to negotiate. Weeks before we lost Rory I was working at one of my clients and found out that one woman there was also pregnant and she was due exactly a week before Rory. So most of my time there was spent talking about babies, dirty nappies and lack of sleep.
However, I’m due to go back there this week and feel myself getting anxious thinking about it. I don’t know if she had her baby girl ok and I don’t know if they know about Rory. Am I going to get the akward questions or will the subject not come up because it’s too difficult for them to talk about. The thing is, I want to talk about Rory and I want to know that she took her baby home and what they named her.
Also we are now thinking about what do we do on Rory’s anniversary, we think of if as the anniversary of when we lost him and not his birthday, as Rory wasn’t due until 23rd June and probably wouldn’t have been born in May
So how do you mark the occassion? Obviously we will be going to his resting place, what we call his garden. We would like to release some balloons, but do we do it alone or do we invite all the family? We don’t want to make our family feel that they’ve got to go, we would rather like them to visit Rory’s garden because they wanted to. But if we don’t invite them, they might feel like we don’t want them there, it’s so difficult.
Rory’s colourful garden
Another idea we would like to do is visit Lullingstone Country park and drop some flowers of petals into the river. On the weekend before we lost Rory we visited the park for a short walk and sat on the bench by the river. Whilst sitting there Rory was moving loads inside Mummy’s tummy and I think of it the last place we visited together, as our little family.
View from ‘Rory’s’ Bench at Lullingstone Country Park
Maybe I’m just over thinking everything and shouldn’t put any pressure on ourselves. It’s just that we want to do something special for Rory to show him how much love him and how much we miss him.