Category Archives: Grieving

Sorrow & Joy

2 years ago today, 28th May 2015, we found out that Rory had died.  Our world has been flipped upside down and hearts have been shattered since that day.

 

During the weekend before we lost Rory, we visited Lullingstone Country Park and walked along the river. This was the last place that us three all visited together and therefore the place is very special to us

 

On Rory’s first anniversary we visited the park and laid yellow roses into the river and watched them float down stream. The reason why we chose yellow roses is because we all dropped a yellow rose into his grave at his funeral.

 

This year we thought we would get a toy boat and write a message to Rory and let it float downstream as far it can go.  

We put some artificial blue flowers on the boat and tied our message to Rory and dropped the boat in.  Daddy thought I would be a good opportunity to play with his radio controlled boat.

 

Rory’s boat was gently trotting along the river nicely until it started to approach the first hazard. Daddy thought it would be a good idea to put his boat near the hazard so Rory’s boat wouldn’t get stuck.

Rory’s little boat soon passed the hazard a continued to float down stream. However, Daddy’s boat got caught up in the weeds and was stuck in the middle of the river.

 

So guess who had to take his shoes and socks off and wade into the river to rescue the boat, you’ve guessed it, silly Daddy. Meanwhile Rory’s boat continue to miss all the hazards and float down stream.

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Silly Daddy!!!!

Daddy decided to not risk getting wet again and not put his boat back in.  We walked along the bank and watched Rory’s boat continue its journey.  It was very peaceful and relaxing watching the boat gently float along.

 

Eventually Rory’s little boat came right up to the side where we were standing and didn’t move.  So we thought Rory wants us to take his boat back home and not leave it there.

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Rory boat’s resting place

So Daddy tried to lean over to pick, without falling in, the boat slowly started to move out of Daddy’s reach. Then when Daddy grabbed a tree to stop himself from falling in the boat moved closer to the edge.  I think Rory was playing a trick on Daddy and trying to get him wet.

 

Eventually I was able to reach Rory’s boat and pulled it out. We went and sat on the same bench, two years previously, when Rory was with us and watched the world go by.  Whilst sitting there we saw a Robin on the opposite bank looking at us, soon we saw a second Robin and later a third.

Despite all the noisy dogs and children we found it quite relaxing and peaceful and thought it was a nice way to mark the day and found it slightly easier than last year.

 

I’m already thinking about next year and thinking we may either try and organise a charity duck race or get a memorial bench somewhere along the footpath along the river.

 

Later in the evening we found out that my niece had a little girl this afternoon. It is really weird that on the same date that we found out Rory died, 2 years later our family is celebrating a life.  However, we are relieved that my great niece wasn’t born on Rory’s Birthday.

Just Another Day

Tomorrow will be our 2nd Christmas Day without our Son Rory.  While most people are celebrating the festive period and excited about what Santa will bring them.  To my wife and I tomorrow will be just another day, just another day we have to live through without our Rory.

 

Last Christmas was extremely difficult being the 1st Christmas after losing Rory.  What made it particularly difficult was that we announced to our family on Christmas Day 2014 that we were 14 weeks pregnant and gave them a copy of our 12 week scan picture.  Everyone was so happy and excited for us, everyone all talked about how this time next year it would be the little one’s 1st Christmas.

 

The build up to Christmas last year was extremely awful, Myself and Jo didn’t want to celebrate Christmas at all.  We absolutely hated hearing any christmas songs on the radio or in any shops, especially ‘Last Christmas, by Wham.  We didn’t exchange gifts, we hid away at home on our own and  decided not to have a ‘traditional dinner’.  I particularly didn’t want to sit around a dinner table, pulling crackers, making small talk with in-laws and playing happy families, when our hearts have been shattered into millions of pieces.

 

We have tried to embrace Christmas a little bit this year, but it still very difficult, we still hate Christmas songs.  We have visited actually few christmas fayres, we decided that we were exchanging gifts and after a lot of persuasion we will be having a traditional lunch with Jo’s family, but we are not planning to stay long as we have decided to go away for a few days on Boxing Day.  

 

I still find it difficult to say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Christmas’ to anyone, because I find it difficult to be ‘Happy’ or ‘Merry’.  We haven’t put up a traditional chrsitmas tree, instead we have only put up Rory’s tree (pictured above) with decorations that we have bought for him. 

 

For any angel parent who are experiencing their 1st Christmas after their loss, I would say to you, be kind to yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to enjoy or to pretend to enjoy the day.  Spend the day how you wish and what feels right for you.  

 

To all angel parents I hope the day passes as peacefully as possible.

A message from Rory?

To some people, Butterflies have a spiritual meaning and they may believe that they are a sign from loved ones who have passed.

 

On the Day of Rory’s funeral, just after he had been laid to rest, we all saw a tiny blue butterfly fluttering around the cemetery.  Could this been a message from Rory?

Then after we returned home from Rory’s funeral my wife and I both saw a tiny blue butterfly fluttering around outside the front of our flat and outside the window of what would have been Rory’s room.  Could that be a coincidence?

 

Since that day we have had a few quick sightings of blue butterflies, but nothing significant.

 

Last weekend myself and my wife gave Rory’s garden a makeover.  We took everything off and cleaned everything up.  I then added 3 bags of topsoil and planted some plants that we bought from the garden center in that afternoon.  It took a lot longer than we thought and we were still at the cemetery at closing time on the Saturday evening, so we had to leave rest until the Sunday.

 

On the Sunday we were putting the finishing touches to his garden and then a blue butterfly landed on the garden and seem to sit there for a few minutes.  It then fluttered around and kept landing on many different areas of Rory’s garden. Was this Rory saying that he likes he garden?   

Are these messages from Rory, maybe or maybe not, or maybe that are they just coincidences?  Either way, every time we see a blue butterfly we will always think of our angel Rory.

Please can we Rewind

On 26th May 2015 was our 36 week appointment with the midwife. My wife had all the regular checks and everything was ok, her blood pressure was fine and she listened to Rory’s heartbeat.

 

This time last year we thought we only had four weeks until we met our bundle of joy. Life was good, we were so happy.

 

Little did we know that was the last time my wife heard our Son’s heartbeat and that two days later we would discover our worst knightmare, that our Son had died.

 

I can’t believe it’s nearly a year ago since we last held him and said goodbye to him.  The past year has felt like a complete blur and feels like our lives have been on hold.

 

Since losing Rory it feels like that we will never be as happy as those days before we lost him.  I just wish we could go back in time to those days when everything was ok, life was good and Rory was here with us.

 

Rest in Peace our Angel Rory, Mummy and Daddy miss you so much and will always Love you!! XX

 

Almost a year

 

We are now into May, the Month we lost Rory last year and his angelversary is fast approaching.  When we lost Rory, time seen to stand still and the days and weeks seemed so long.  Now this year seem to have flown by in a blur and caught us in a bit unawares.

 

It was so strange at the turn of the year saying to people that we lost our son last year, soon we will be saying we lost him over a year ago.  I think because at the moment I still think back to this time last year, we had Rory with us and we were decorating the nursery and we was so happy.  

 

I think his anniversary makes it seem so final, that he’s gone forever and we won’t be able to think ‘this time last year’ anymore.

 

Before his anniversary I have one more hurdle to negotiate.  Weeks before we lost Rory I was working at one of my clients and found out that one woman there was also pregnant and she was due exactly a week before Rory.  So most of my time there was spent talking about babies, dirty nappies and lack of sleep.

 

However, I’m due to go back there this week and feel myself getting anxious thinking about it.  I don’t know if she had her baby girl ok and I don’t know if they know about Rory.  Am I going to get the akward questions or will the subject not come up because it’s too difficult for them to talk about. The thing is, I want to talk about Rory and I want to know that she took her baby home and what they named her.

 

Also we are now thinking about what do we do on Rory’s anniversary,  we think of if as the anniversary of when we lost him and not his birthday, as Rory wasn’t due until 23rd June and probably wouldn’t have been born in May

So how do you mark the occassion? Obviously we will be going to his resting place, what we call his garden.  We would like to release some balloons, but do we do it alone or do we invite all the family? We don’t want to make our family feel that they’ve got to go, we would rather like them to visit Rory’s garden because they wanted to. But if we don’t invite them, they might feel like we don’t want them there, it’s so difficult.

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Rory’s colourful garden

Another idea we would like to do is visit Lullingstone Country park and drop some flowers of petals into the river.  On the weekend before we lost Rory we visited the park for a short walk and sat on the bench by the river.  Whilst sitting there Rory was moving loads inside Mummy’s tummy and I think of it the last place we visited together, as our little family.

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View from ‘Rory’s’ Bench at Lullingstone Country Park

Maybe I’m just over thinking everything and shouldn’t put any pressure on ourselves. It’s just that we want to do something special for Rory to show him how much love him and how much we miss him.

 

Did it for Rory -Antwerp Marathon 2016

Antwerp 10 miles and MarathonI did my first and only other marathon 4 years ago and forgot how tough marathon training can be, but when you also factor in that you are grieving for the loss of your unborn son, it is even tougher.  Grief consumes most of your life and thoughts and can be very tiring, so doing anything physical is tough.

 

The reason why I decided to take on the challenge was to raise money for SANDs and raise awareness of stillbirth and babyloss in memory of our son, Rory.  It was the fact that I was doing it for Rory drove me to ensure that I stuck to my training plan and that I never gave up.

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Throughout my training I kept doubting that I could actually complete the 26.2 miles in the 6hr time limit.  During my training it didn’t feel it got any easier but I did start to notice that I was recovering quicker, which made me think that I must be getting fitter/stronger.

 

In the last few weeks leading up to the marathon my running felt a little more effortless and I started to think that maybe I can do this.  I did my last run on the Thursday before the marathon and had a great controlled pace run, then had to finish packing for the next morning.

 

On Friday morning my wife, Jo, and I got the eurostar to Brussels from ebbsfleet, there was also a number of my feĺlow runners from my running club, Dartford Road Runners, on the same train as us.  At Brussels we got a connecting train to Antwerp central station.

Antwerpen Central Station

Antwerpen Central Station

We had a short walk from the station to our hotel.  We and the rest of the group were staying in the Mercure Centrum Opera Hotel.  After checking, in me and Jo had a wander around Antwerp and were very impressed, there is so much to see.  I almost forgot that we was there for the marathon and felt like we were away on a weekend break.

 

On Saturday morning we made our way to the marathon exhibition to collect my race number.  The exhibition was where the marathon start area on the other side of the river Scheldt.  The west bank of the river can be accessed via the Sint-Annatunnel, which is open for pedestrians and cyclists.

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Collecting my race number

 

The exhibition was very modest and consisted of a large marquee. Unlike the London Marathon there was no queue to collect my number. Then I went outside to collect my T-shirt, which was included in the entry price.  Whilst outside I had some photos by the start line in my SAND’s T-shirt and Vest.

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We then took a slow walk back through the tunnel and back towards the cathedral and the old town. After stopping for lunch in the old town we went back to our hotel room to rest for the afternoon and to get my running gear ready for the morning.

The Sunday morning was soon here and I was up at 6am having breakfast with the rest of the runners, which consisted of cereal, toast with jam and a couple of bananas.  Cooked breakfast was available, but i didn’t think it was good preparation, even though I would have preferred to have eaten that.

 

After breakfast I was making my last final preparations in my room and then we took a slow walk to the tunnel and made our way to the start line.  The rest of the group got a tram to the start to save their legs, however I didn’t want to risk getting on the wrong one and missing the start.

Tunnel

Sint-Annatunnel

The Marathon in Antwerp is a low key event their was only around 2,000 runners, it felt like I was lining up for a local half-marathon such as Paddock Wood.  It did seem real that I was actually going to run a marathon and hardly had any nerves.  I made my way to the very last pen on the start line, alongside the 5hr pacers.

Start

As soon as the race started the heavens opened up, Jo waved me off and wished me good luck I then concentrated on getting into my rhythm and try not to go off too quick, so I decided to stay with the 5hr pacers. Only a few kilometers into the race we were entering a motor tunnel, after getting drenched I started to feel quite cold and thought maybe I should have put a base layer on.  The tunnel is over 2k in length and felt like we were running through it for a long time.  Eventually we go to the other side and it was nice to see some daylight and feel some warmth from the sun.

 

As we exited the tunnel we headed towards the old town, passing the Steen Castle and were approaching 6k.   This is where Jo was waiting to cheer me on, after this point the crowds disappeared as we were going away from the city centre.  I was running well at a comfortable pace and found myself between the 4.45hr pacers and 5hr pacers, I thought if I could keep this up I would be extremely pleased.

6k Point

6k point, with Steen Castle in background

I soon crossed the 10k checkpoint and I remember looking up and saying to Rory  ‘Daddy has done a quarter of the race and now I’ve got three quarters to go’.  I managed to keep to a good pace and the kilometer markers were passing quite quickly.  There were plenty of water stations, they were approximately at every 2.5k, so i made sure I took on plenty of fluids.  Some parts of the course wasn’t that scenic and we had to negotiate several road and tram crossings,  thankfully there were loads of police stopping all the traffic.   

 

I reached the halfway point around 2hrs 20 mins, which was good for me, as this was 10 mins quicker than what I completed the Dartford Half Marathon in early March this year. I could feel my pace started to drop and could feel my hips getting tighter. I was hoping to keep my pace under 12 mins per mile, which I managed for the next few miles until mile 17.

 

The next few miles were really tough and I made the most of each water stop, by having a little walk whilst taking on fluids and focused on running in between each stop. I eventually reached the 30k check point and could see two Darftord Road Runners Vests ahead up the road, which were Mike and Mary.  I could see that they were also walking and jogging, I just tried to keep them in my sights.

 

I slowly caught up them and found that Mary was struggling as she had been suffering with a cold for a few days before the marathon.  I gave her some words of encouragement to keep her going, we had a little walk and then after she had composed herself we started to jog again, however I started to flag behind them both.

 

At the 32k point there was a welcomed sight of the DRR supporters, which gave us a massive boost.  Now I only had 10k to go, I thought to myself ‘only two parkruns to go’ and just tried to keep plodding along, while Mary and Mike were pulling further and further away.

 

The next drink stop and my next walking break was at 35k, it was this point that I was passed by the 5hr pacers and I knew that sub 5hrs was out of reach.  I had to re-evaluate and thought if I could keep my current pace I would still have a chance of achieving a personal best.

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Cathedral of Our Lady, Antwerpen

I had to dig deep for the last 7k and just kept going for Rory.  In the distance was a welcomed sight of the cathedral, but it didn’t seem to be getting any closer.  The rest of the route was a blur, until I recognised the Steen Castle up ahead and I knew I was very close to home.  Soon after passing the castle the route turns left towards the old town, this Is where I saw Jo waiting to cheer me on, I then turn left to see the finish line by the Brabo Statue in front of the Old City Hall.

 

I couldn’t believe that I had actually done it, I could see the line and could see the clock was at 5hrs 11mins,  I knew I had bagged myself a PB and for some reason I did the ‘Mobot’ as I crossed the line.  Soon as I crossed the line, I looked for Jo and we both gave each other a massive emotional hug.  We had done it, we had done it for Rory and all the other angels gone too soon.  We then headed to the nearest bar for a well earned drink or two.


I was so proud that I managed to complete it and was so pleased that I achieved a personal best with an official time of 5hrs 8mins & 24 seconds.  I am so grateful for everyone who sponsored me and help me raise over £1,000 for SAND’s.  I only hope Rory was looking down and watching his silly Daddy and that I made him proud too.

Medal

Did it for Rory xxx

Life is like riding a bicycle

Whilst out shopping with my wife, Jo, I came across this sign in one of the shops.

‘Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving forward’

At the time I thought it was very motivational quote and thought it was very poignant for us, as my wife and I are grieving the loss of our Son, Rory, who was born asleep at 36 weeks.

It wasn’t until I got home, looked on the internet and found that the quote was made by Albert Einstein. I then started to think about the quote even more.

When we were young, we would have stabilizers on our bikes to help keep our balance until we were able to keep our balance unaided.

So when you are grieving a loss, there is nothing wrong with taking support from friends, family and support groups to help keep your balance.

Also if you are having a bad day, it’s only a wobble, just be gentle on yourself. Write it off and think tomorrow is a new day.

Hopefully, slowly but surely we will be able keep the pedals turning and one day reach a happy place.